25 Things You Should Never Do To The Pokémon Cast
by readeradv
Summary: Things you should definitely never do to any Pokémon character. 25 for each character, starting with Pikachu. Will continue until I run out of ideas. Any ideas put in reviews will NOT be used. Rating for possible/probable content.
1. Pikachu

25 Things You Should Never Do To Pikachu

1. Never call it a worthless yellow rat.

2. Never say that Ash is a retard (even if it's true).

3. Never go near Pikachu with your bike.

4. If you do, don't expect to ever get it replaced.

5. Don't pinch its cheeks.

6. Don't say you're part of Team Rocket.

7. Especially not Team Reject.

8. Never say, "Prepare for trouble and make it double" or "To protect the world from devastation, to unite all peoples within our nation".

9. Never call Ash a twerp.

10. Don't suggest that it should evolve.

11. Never threaten to hurt its friends.

12. Never ask it to be nice to Meowth.

13. Never fly a hot-air ballon near it.

14. Especially a Meowth-head balloon.

15. Never tell it that the Rejects will someday succeed.

16. Never put it on a giant super-powerful magnet.

17. Never compare it to a Magikrap.

18. Never dress up as a bottle of ketchup near it.

19. Never tell it where your ketchup stash is.

20. Never lock it in a small room with Dawn's Buneary.

21. Especially not if May's Glaceon is there too.

22. Never dress it up in a maid outfit or dress.

23. Never parade Ashley around in front of it.

24. Don't tell it Brock is good with girls.

25. Never go on and on about how great Raichu are.


	2. Ash

25 Things You Should Never Do To Ash

1. Don't take your bike anywhere near his Pikachu.

2. If you do, don't follow him around everywhere asking for your bike back.

3. If you do, don't expect him to repay you.

4. Don't abuse his Pokémon.

5. Don't attempt some evil plot near him, as something will cause it to go wrong. Usually him.

6. Don't try to destroy the world. He'll figure out a way to save it.

7. Don't tell him he has to travel with Misty again. She scares the shit out of him sometimes.

8. Don't ask him to do something for you, because he'll probably forget about it within five minutes.

9. Don't remind him that he's never going to be a Pokémon Master.

10. Especially if you are a red-haired water trainer named Misty.

11. Don't play Misty's Song to him.

12. Don't make him dress up as a fruit.

13. Especially if Snorlax is around.

14. Don't tie May and Dawn up, then put them in two separate perilous situations and tell him he can only save one.

15. If you do, don't expect to go without getting your ass kicked for it.

16. Don't hold a Pokémon League tournament, let him win, then tell him it was all a fake.

17. Don't remind him about what a retard he is.

18. Don't parade Jessie, James, and Meowth in disguise around in front of him and ask him who they are.

19. If you do, don't expect him to realize that it's the rejects.

20. Don't remind him what an idiot he is for releasing all those Pokémon.

21. Don't ask him why his Pikachu can beat a Dragonite and a Metagross but can lose to a Raichu.

22. Don't remind him to change his underwear every day. Chances are he won't listen to you.

23. Don't ask him why he and his friends always have to state the obvious.

24. Don't ask him about girls, because he doesn't know a thing about them.

25. Don't remind him that Brock has a better chance of getting a girlfriend than him.


	3. Misty

25 Things You Should Never Do To Misty

1. Never let Pikachu near her bike.

2. If you do, don't be surprised if she follows you around for several years bitching about her bike being replaced.

3. Never force her to let her sisters run the gym.

4. Especially during the busy season.

5. Never show her your bug collection.

6. If you do, don't be surprised at how fast she can run from bugs.

7. And don't be surprised if she tries to destroy said bug collection.

8. Don't remind her about the time Melody kissed Ash and told her not to get jealous.

9. Don't say something really stupid to or near her.

10. If you do, don't be surprised if you've got a lump or two on your head in the morning. She swings that hammer pretty hard.

11. Don't ask her where she keeps said hammer.

12. Don't tell her that her Psyduck is smarter than her.

13. If you do, see number ten above.

14. Don't ask her why she's always PMSing.

15. Don't go on and on about how horrible water types are.

16. Or about how great bug types are.

17. Don't lock her in a small room with her sisters, Ash, and a bunch of bugs.

18. If you do, ignore the screaming.

19. Don't ask her about her crush on Harley.

20. Don't tell Harley about her crush on him.

21. If you do either, don't hide in the bushes with Brock to watch.

22. If you do, don't expect to be able to feel anything between your legs for a few days.

23. Don't ask why Brock, the guy who hits on any pretty girl he sees, never hit on her.

24. Don't remind her that Tracey prefers her sister because she's better looking.

25. Don't tell her Bugsy's the only person she'll ever have a chance with.


	4. Brock

25 Things You Should Never Do To Brock

1. Don't surround him with many Nurse Joys, Officer Jennys, Max, Misty, and Croagunk.

2. If you do, get to high ground.

3. Don't ask him why he hit on Ash's mom, but not on Misty.

4. Don't ask him what happened with Professor Ivy.

5. Don't ask him why he's always squinting.

6. Don't ask him to choose, Jenny or Joy.

7. Don't ask him if his Croagunk has a crush on him.

8. If you do, expect a sharp pain in your abdomen.

9. Don't tell him he's never going to see any Officer Jennys or Nurse Joys ever again.

10. Don't tell him James is a better breeder than him.

11. Don't tell him Misty is a better chef than him, especially providing her soup from _Sick Daze!_ as proof.

12. Don't ask him and Max which one of them is the better navigator.

13. Don't point out to Jessie that he hits on older hot girls and has only made one passing comment about her looks in _Beauty and the Beach_.

14. If you do, ignore the screams.

15. Don't tell him that to get someone to fall in love with him he has to cut off Jessie's hair.

16. If you do, tell the cops you don't know anything.

17. Don't tell him his parody of _Joy to the World_ sucked.

18. Don't play _Two Perfect Girls_ for him and tell him that's why he'll never get a girl.

19. Don't ask him if he really forgot that Ash was Ash when he crossdressed the second time.

20. Don't tell him that his Lotad, the new Psyduck, really resembled him in that Psyfuckish way.

21. Don't ask him if he has a crush on James.

22. Don't ask him why he hasn't explained the birds and the bees to Ash.

23. Don't remind him that he's a wimp and can't take the cold.

24. Don't explain to him that Santa doesn't exist and _won't_ be putting Jenny and Joy under the mistletoe.

25. Don't ask him what's really behind those eyelids. You really don't want to know.

Number seventeen is a reference to the _Pokémon Christmas Medley_.

Number twenty-three is a reference to _Winter is the Coolest Time of Year_.

Number twenty-four is a reference to _Pokémon Christmas Bash_.

Next up, Team Reject!


	5. Jessie

25 Things You Should Never Do To Jessie

1. Don't ask her why they'll give Togepi to the boss, but not Seviper, when Seviper is actually strong and Togepi is almost as worthless as them.

2. Don't ask her if Jessebelle is her good twin sister.

3. Don't ask her why she hangs out with those two losers.

4. Don't ask her why she wears those stupid costumes when she's using one of her obvious pseudonyms.

5. Don't remind her that 99% of the time, it's her fault their plans fail.

6. Don't remind her that it was her fault they didn't win the Hearthome Collection or the Cosplay Convention.

7. Don't remind her that Seviper, no matter how much she wants it to, can _**NOT**_ learn Sacred Fire.

8. Don't tell her you don't want to prepare for trouble.

9. Don't ask her what Team Rocket's real goals are. She knows that and Seviper can use Sacred Fire.

10. Don't tell her Jessedia should choke on her own microphone.

11. Don't tell her she has more hot air than the Meowth head and Wobbuffet balloons, even if it is true.

12. Don't remind her that if stupidity and incompetence were crimes, every military and law enforcement agency in the universe would be after her.

13. Don't remind her that she's the one who comes up with all the stupid Reject plans.

14. Don't tell her her theme song should be _Dare to be Stupid_ by Weird Al.

15. Don't tell her you sing _Barney's on Fire_ with her name substituted in.

16. Don't put her in a purple dinosaur suit and put a candle nearby.

17. If you do, get far, far, _FAR_ away before that annoying "Rockets never die" cliché kicks in.

18. Don't ask her if she landed on her head too many times when blasting off.

19. Don't tell her that Wobbuffet is smarter than her.

20. Don't remind her that Crappi- I mean Cassidy is much better than her.

21. Don't ask her if she has ContestQueenitus.

22. Don't tell her that she's more of a slut than Dawn.

23. Don't remind her that James called her fat on at least one occasion.

24. Don't tell her that Brock thinks she ought to consider a job in politics.

25. Don't tell her that even her team thinks she's stupid.

Comment on 13: How the hell do you think putting a small green jacket over your uniform is a disguise? The giant R was still visible! (I watched DP004 recently.)

If you don't understand 21, watch _Twice Smitten, Once Shy!_ just after Dawn catches Pachirisu the first time.

**Next up, James!**


	6. Meowth

25 Things You Should Never Do To Meowth

1. Don't trick him into saying "That's wrong!" at the end of the motto.

2. Don't remind him he fails at life.

3. Don't ask him why he hangs out with those two losers.

4. Don't ask him why he can't sing.

5. Don't remind him he'll never beat any Persian, Meowzie's, Giovanni's, or otherwise.

6. Don't remind him Meowzie called him a freak.

7. Don't ask where he comes up with all those lame machines.

8. Don't ask why he always forgets something essential in the designing of said lame machines.

9. Don't ask why he wants a Butterfree for a girlfriend.

10. Don't tell he was wrong. Some people don't like Christmas.

11. Don't ask him why they'll give Togepi to the boss, but not Seviper, when Seviper is actually strong and Togepi is almost as worthless as them.

12. Don't ask him what Team Rocket's real goals are. He knows that and Seviper can use Sacred Fire.

13. Don't remind him that even James thinks he's stupid.

Don't give him a nose.

15. If you do, don't trap him between a Gloom and a Weezing.

16. If you do, don't put the video of it on YouTube.

17. Don't have him watch Tom & Jerry.

18. If you do, don't remind him that he's Tom, Pikachu's Jerry, and Ash is Spike.

19. If you do, watch out for falling grand pianos.

20. Especially if your name is Pikachu.

21. Don't ask him where he comes up with some of those stupid ideas about what the boss wants.

22. Don't ask him what he's smoking.

23. If you do, don't ask for some of it for yourself.

24. Don't make fun of his accent.

Don't say he's a king just 'cos he hasn't got shit all over him. That can easily be remedied, especially when Jessie and James are around.

Watch out May, it's your turn next!


	7. May

25 Things You Should Never Do To May

1. Don't ask her if they're real.

2. Don't ask her why she's just a female clone of Ash.

3. Don't ask why she stripped in front of Ash, Brock, and her little brother.

4. Don't remind her that Max is smarter than her.

5. Don't tell her Ash is going out with Dawn.

6. If you do, run.

7. Don't remind her that her father loves Pokémon more than her.

8. If you do, don't comment on how the ugly, fat, lazy Slaking gets more attention than little miss overdeveloped hyperactive 10-year-old.

9. Don't call her "little miss overdeveloped hyperactive 10-year-old".

10. Well, at least not where she can hear.

11. Don't tell her Ash is going out with Misty.

12. Don't tell her Ash is willing to go out with any girl other than her.

13. Don't look at her chest and tell her she's grown up. That's Ash's job.

14. Don't ask her if she stuffs her shirt.

15. Don't grope her and say it was an accident.

16. If you do, don't expect her to believe you or even care about your excuse.

17. Don't forget her face is up there, not on her chest.

18. If you do, don't make some stupid comment about growth or their size.

19. If you do, don't expect her to confess that she loves you. That was a special case for Ash, and only exists in Dryuu's imagination.

20. Don't tell her that she's been Rule 34'd.

21. If you do, don't tell her what Rule 34 is.

22. If you do, don't show her any examples.

23. And definitely don't tell her about what certain guys *coughashandbrockcough* do when they see said examples. Er, *coughbrockcough*

24. Don't ask if she borrowed James' inflatable bikini to wear 24/7.

25. Don't ask if that's a wig. Do wonder how she gets her hair to stay out like that.

Next in line for torture, Max!


	8. James, who hid his list from the world

I honestly have no idea how this got skipped. It's been written and ready to publish since before I did Meowth's, but I only just noticed it hadn't been published. So, several months late…

25 Things You Should Never Do To James

1. Don't call his bottlecap collection lame or worthless.

2. Don't steal his bottlecap collection.

3. Don't ask him why he hangs out with those two losers.

4. Don't ask if he uses fertilizer on his hair.

5. Don't ask him why he ran away from a bitchy redhead named Jessebelle to travel with a bitchy redhead named Jessie.

6. Don't lock him in a small room with Jessie and Jessebelle.

7. Don't tell him he must either marry Jessebelle or lose his bottlecap collection.

8. If you do, don't be surprised if he commits suicide.

9. Don't show him videos of Jessebelle playing with Growlie.

10. If you do, tell the cops you don't know anything.

11. Don't remind him that Jessie always screws everything up when he's got it perfect.

12. Especially bringing up the Hearthome Collection or the Cosplay Convention.

13. Don't ask him why they'll give Togepi to the boss, but not Seviper, when Seviper is actually strong and Togepi is almost as worthless as them.

14. Don't ask him why he makes a better girl than Jessie or Misty.

15. Don't steal his inflatable bikini and give it to Misty, even though she needs it more.

16. Don't ask him why he runs with Team Reject when he'd do better as a twerp.

17. Don't ask him if he has a crush on Brock.

18. Don't tell him you don't want to make it double.

19. Don't ask him what Team Rocket's real goals are. He knows that and Seviper can use Sacred Fire. *looks at this, looks at Best Wishes* Okay, don't laugh at the fact that Giovanni has to quiz him on Team Rocket's goals every time he gives them a mission.

20. Don't ask him what the difference between a blaster ball and a bomb is. There isn't one.

21. Don't ask him where the rejects came up with the term 'blaster balls'. We all know he doesn't have any.

22. Don't scream 'blaster balls away!' as your Hitmonlee kicks him between the legs.

23. If you do, don't put a video of it on Youtube.

24. Don't tell him his only chance of survival is to marry Jessebelle.

25. Don't tell him you stole his bottlecaps and started feeding them to Growlie.

Next time, we'll be back in order and the torture will be taken to the Max!


	9. Max

25 Things You Should Never Do To Max

1. Don't call him a midget.

2. Don't call him Maxie.

3. Don't say Ash is smarter than him.

4. Don't remind him about the time his sister stripped on the beach in front of him, Ash, and Brock.

5. Don't call him 'Mr Insufferable Know-It-All'. One, that's Ash's line (see the rewritten ALoA for more information), and two, Hermione's the insufferable know-it-all.

6. Don't ask if he called Ash 'Alf' because he wants to be a pixie.

7. Don't hide his glasses.

8. If you do, don't taunt him about his poor vision.

9. Don't introduce him to PetalburgShipping.

10. If you do, don't show him the fanart of it.

11. Especially the Rule 34 PetalburgShipping fanart.

12. Don't replace his glasses with gag-eyes-and-nose glasses.

13. Don't taunt him about every friend he makes eventually leaving him.

14. Don't ask if he thinks you won't hit a kid with glasses on.

15. If you do, don't.

16. Don't introduce him to NavigatorShipping, MasumiShipping, WishShipping, or SundaeShipping.

17. If you do, don't show him fanfics about him being screwed by a lecherous 'breeder', a 'woman' who's probably twice his age, a big purple rock, or… whatever Harley is.

18. Don't tell him he doesn't stand a chance in that battle Ash promised him.

19. Don't laugh at him when he falls in a pitfall trap and leave him there to rot.

20. If you do, don't expect anyone else to rescue him.

21. Don't sing the lullaby his mother always sang to him and expect him to fall asleep.

22. Don't tell him, "Shut up, Mokuba." He won't understand what you're talking about.

23. Don't tell him bored me so much I left this list incomplete for months.

24. Don't tell him I said 'screw it, just do all the shit to him you want, he's a snot-nosed little kid and he deserves it.'

25. Don't listen to him; he's annoying, he states the obvious, and worst of all, he's usually right.

Next time, a new era of torture is Dawning.


	10. Dawn

Okay, this one's a bit harsher than the previous ones, but the reason will become obvious in time. (No, it's not because I loathe Dawn. Dawn's one of my favorite characters.)

25 Things You Should Never Do To Dawn

1. Don't ask her if that was the shortest skirt she could find.

2. Don't ask her if she's compensating for lack of bust.

3. Don't tell her she snores like a chainsaw.

4. Don't tell her that, with her around, there's always a need to worry.

5. Don't ask her how much she charges.

6. Don't imply that she ever had a job at a brothel.

7. Don't try to look up her skirt. She'll flash everyone in sight if she sleeps on the couch.

8. Don't tell her she can't get breast cancer since she lacks breasts, even if she insults you by saying you can't get brain cancer since you don't have a brain.

9. Don't have a Pokémon use Gust, Whirlwind, or Twister to lift her skirt.

10. Don't give her Ash's Pikachu as a decoration for that new bike you just gave her. That's just cruel. To Pikachu, I mean.

11. Don't tell her that sometimes, you just have to feel sorry for her, but luckily those moments are brief and rare.

12. Don't tell her how easy it is to make easy jokes about her.

13. Don't knock her out for swearing in front of little kids.

14. Don't leave her in the middle of an angry swarm of Beedrill.

15. Don't tell her her favorite hat looks like a used condom.

16. Don't tell her you can't tell if it's the dress that makes her look fat or if she actually is.

17. Don't ask if she has some laundry to do.

18. Don't say to her, "Someone told you to be yourself? Hell, that's the worst advice you've ever gotten!"

19. Don't tell her you'd like to see things from her point of view but you can't get your head that far up your ass.

20. Don't interrupt her in the middle of a rant and tell her she must've mistaken you for someone who gives a shit.

21. Don't tell her that, after meeting her, you've decided you're in favor of abortions in cases of incest.

22. Don't tell her she's invincible if the old idiom 'what you don't know won't hurt you' is true.

23. Don't tell her to learn from her parents' mistake and use birth control.

24. Don't tell her the thing that terrifies you the most is that someone might hate you as much as you loathe her.

25. Don't beat the shit out of her if she hurts your ex-girlfriend. She'll sell you out to some evil organi- oh shitshitshitshitshit why isn't my delete button working?

Next time, a new spectrum of torture with Iris.

*wonders if I should show this list to Ash*


End file.
